It is Obvious

Chris Rick has got altogether too much to say

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Posted by chrisrick13 on November 26, 2011

It is obvious: I am a squirrel

Today in my local shop I wandered into the adult section.  This was eye opener!  I am, of course, talking about Sainsburys and their breakfast cereals.  In there I found Allbran and Porridge.  I was too shocked to try the children’s’ section.

Some long time ago I had 5 friends round for us to indulge in our favourite hobby.  I am tired of the banter so you will have to imagine what it might be…though on occasion it involves whips and leather.  My wife had made us two marmalade cakes for the Saturday and gone out shopping.  (Now, there is something I would not own up to in public.)  The first one was simply magical and went in minutes.  However there was something wrong with the second one.  I could barely cut it and nobody could get their teeth into it.  I hammered it into a number of bits that resembled large lumps of gravel and lobbed it on to the back lawn.  We thought to have a giggle at the birds trying to eat it.  First up was a squirrel though.  He grabbed a piece and must have sat for 5 minutes trying to eat it.  In the end he scampered to another part of the lawn, pulled up some grass and buried it.  He spent the morning doing that to our huge amusement.  There are still bits down there today.

For many years our house has been a subject of interest to property developers.  This enabled me to avoid re-decorating for much of that time.  Several years into the process we decided to empty our lofts so that in the event of a sale we could move quickly.  I recommend that you move house every few years solely to force you to consider the stuff that you keep and to have a jaundiced view of it under the pressure of a move and dump it.

I pulled out much stuff that I had last seen 23 years ago and then only briefly as I transferred it from the loft of the previous house to this one.  Much of it is still around, but at least it has been in our living space and some of it has been ejected after tripping over it many times.  That process can turn something you treasure into something you hate and then it is gone.  I think we are on a downward spiral.

I have all my financial records going back many years as I said in an earlier blog.  This will enable me to take on HMRC to try and recover money.  Of course keeping these record is clear evidence that I am autistic, have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and have tendencies to be a mass-murderer or serial killer.  Check with my wife for the latest diagnosis.

I had many SF books that I gave to charity shops convinced that I was giving away thousands of pounds worth of rare books.  At least a good cause got them.

As part of this process I had a rummage through the garage.  A lot of useful bits of wood were wrenched from my forlorn grasp and dumped on the skip.  These did include the leg off the antique French armchair that I was saving to stick back on and a mystery scrolled bit of oak that I now realise came off the antique grandfather clock.  So they did cost.  I checked the half empty cans of paints and chemicals left over from various DIY adventures.  Fully half of them rattled when shook.  As for the rest I know now why they could find no WMD in Saddam Hussein’s Iraq.

I found 4 of the flat 4-way multi-plug extensions with short leads.  In one of them I have now assembled 4 rows of the cubic multi-plugs.  That is 16 for those of you who are mathematically challenged.  In my defence I have to say that I inherited many from my sons before they fled the country and at one stage I was running 8 old PC’s doing grid computing on cancer and smallpox research…but 16?

This is the problem.  I buy stuff because I need it.  When I am done what do I do?  Obviously I keep it.  Then the next time I need it I have so much stuff there is no way I can find it.  The problem is that I know I have one and will spend a couple of hours searching before stomping off to the shops to buy another.  I am in a bad humour as I know that I now own two of whatever it is when I only rarely need one.  Often the first, which has been in hiding, comes out when it knows it is safe and it now has a companion it can talk to on the long dark nights in the garage.

I have had an idea though.  I am going to create a list of stuff that I have.  This not so I can find it next time.  I will copy this list to my neighbours and friends.  At any time if they need one then they can borrow mine.  I will warn them that if I need anything my first action will be to check with them if they have one I can borrow.

It is obvious: I am a squirrel they only lose their nuts whereas I think I’ve lost my marbles

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